This is a little bit of a “vent” post. Please don’t tear me apart. I’ve talked about how hard it is to do Christmas without Santa when you have family & friends shoving it down your children’s throats. I used to love Christmas but since having children, I start to dread the season beginning around Halloween. Of all the challenges of motherhood, I never imagined this one.
Why? First let me say that it seems like a ridiculous “problem” to complain about but it’s because of all the “stuff.” My kids really don’t want a lot of stuff. We pitch the “toy book” when it comes in the mail, before anyone looks at it. We don’t have cable TV so they rarely see commercials. Every year each child has about 3-4 things that they really want, and that’s what we get them for Christmas, along with some little stocking stuffers & things (playdoh, watercolor paint etc.) They’ve never once complained and are thrilled with those gifts. Every year I struggle to come up with “enough” gifts for each of them, particularly since one child’s birthday is right before Christmas and another is shortly after. My 5 year old never wants anything! You could take him in the toy store and tell him to choose anything he wants, and he might choose one thing, if any at all.
Back to my “complaint.” Around Halloween, the harassment about Christmas gifts from family members begins. Emails to me, my husband, phone calls and texts “what do they want?” “What can I get them?” Every year, I make suggestions, and every year they’re ignored. Construction paper, drawing paper, crayons, markers, colored pencils, play doh. The things they tear through at an incredible speed. Books, tickets to a movie or something fun to go out and do. I beg and plead for them to just buy one gift and save the rest of the money they planned to spend. It is such a huge waste. They don’t seem to realize that we have 5+ family members buying anywhere from 2-6 gifts for each of our 3 children. As a result we have a pile of junk that isn’t touched aside from occasionally dumping it on the floor. Typically it sits for a few years before they finally sort through it and it gets donated. What a shame. I feel incredibly guilty that we donate things people gave them but the kids get overwhelmed by the stuff. My daughter pointed out how much easier it was to find things, and keep her room clean after she cleaned up and donated a bunch of things she never played with (totally her choice, not mine). Worth noting that I don’t choose to donate anything – the kids sort through their own stuff. Now & again I do overrule and put something up in the attic that has meaning because of who gave it, memories when they were young enough to enjoy the toy etc.
I understand that people want to see the kids open gifts (I guess)? Don’t get me wrong, I am very grateful that we have family who care about my kids and want to buy them things. I just wish they could gift the kids with their love and presence instead of presents! My step-grandfather passed away almost exactly a year ago, very unexpectedly. After my Grandmother (his wife) moved into the nursing home, and even the year she passed away, he bought my kids a Christmas gift. He gave each of them an apple, and one carefully selected gift from the local dollar store. Nothing huge, nothing fancy, but they were always perfect, loved and special.
Every year my sister gives the most awesome gift that the kids love and look forward to. She buys the whole family tickets to a play and buys the book to go along with it so we can be up to speed before we go. We’ve seen Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible…Day, George and Martha, Junie B. Jones, Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs and I think perhaps one I’m forgetting. So no, the kids don’t have a bunch of junk sitting around from their Aunt (aside from the book, which we continue to enjoy) but they have a lifetime memory that will be remembered far longer than yet another toy.
So, I know I sound awful & ungrateful and I’m sure there are people who would be thrilled to have family wanting to buy their kids half the toy store. That’s not me. We’ve tried to raise our kids not to be materialistic, to appreciate what they have etc. but it’s incredibly difficult. I may sound “jealous” by saying this but it’s very tough when you buy your child 2 American Girl items and on Christmas Eve another family member gives them a dozen. I find it unnecessary, wasteful and when these pricey items are practically unlimited, there’s no appreciation for them. Yes, of course it stinks for me the next day when the carefully chosen items are lost in the sea of other things. It’s not about the money either. We could buy a whole mess of stuff (we’d just have to make other budgetary sacrifices) but we don’t want to.
I think 4-5 items that are very much loved and wanted are far better than 30 things people bought for the sake of buying stuff. I know I have a bad rap in the family (especially with the in-laws) because I am not a fan of stuff in general. If it’s not useful, beautiful or sentimental, I don’t want it in the house. Since I can’t control everyone else’s stuff that means I’m extremely cautious about what I purchase. Every time I turn around, someone is giving them more junk which of course, my daughter loves. Oh I made this pillow. Want it? Oh I made this doll chair, want it? Oh I made the other great-grandchild a bug catcher, tool box, trunk etc. etc. so I made you one too. When asked if I want them to make xyz for each of my kids I try to (repeatedly) politely decline. So, they go straight to my daughter when I’m not around and of course she wants it. What kid doesn’t want pretty much anything offered to them? Then the boys have to have one too so it’s “fair.” The most embarrassing thing is recently she tells people that she has to ask me because I might not “let” her. Naturally you can’t get rid of things a great-grandparent made! That stuff just stays in their room until it drives them crazy, then goes in the attic. Most people would be thrilled to have something made by a Great-Grandparent. I know I would have been. But we’re talking about multiple great-grandparents who are alive and crafting/woodworking constantly and three kids. It gets overwhelming.
I’ve tried really hard to help the kids keep up with their stuff by providing shelves and bins and totes and helping them organize, but 90% of it is just in the way of things they actually play with. Of course, I can’t choose to get rid of it, or encourage them to, because someone gave it to them.
The weirdest thing is I don’t remember this issue when I was a kid, but that may be because we didn’t live near family. We went to visit my Grandmother on Christmas & she’d give us 2 or 3 things, and a few other family members would send a Christmas (or birthday) card with $10 or so in it. There were no family members trying to “compete” with the parents and give as many/more gifts.
It’s not about competition or being upset that they’re giving more than we are. It’s about negating my efforts to raise them right, pushing materialism, and overhwhelming them with a bunch of stuff they don’t need or want. One family member wasn’t happy that I couldn’t give gift ideas and said she’d wrap a bunch of boxes with a dollar bill in each. I know not everyone is like me but this was done to me as a kid and it was really disappointing. You see this big pile of presents and “yay!” Nope, every one is a dollar. My mom did this to me one year when I was a young teen and she thought it was so hilarious (still talks about it) that I was pretty “done” with opening these one dollar bills and the last one was a bigger bill so of course I smiled etc. So it was like “ha ha, joke’s on you. You were so greedy and rude you didn’t want to open the rest!”
My kids would be very disappointed to open a bunch of boxes with bills in it. Especially since my younger two don’t really understand money yet. They’d be just as happy with a card with a $5 bill in it. Which I know people hate and don’t want to do (I suspect my in-laws think I take the kids money because they have mailed checks endorsed to my husband?) but jeez. When I was a kid there was a huge focus on having it “even” so one of us would often get a package with loose change in it (so the same amount of money was spent) and things like batteries would be gift wrapped so the number of presents were the same. I know I was a weird kid but I always found it disappointing to think I was opening a gift and have it turn out to be batteries, then I felt guilty and ashamed for feeling that way. For our kids we make the # of gifts the same and the perceived value the same. I don’t count pennies but of course I wouldn’t give one kid an iPad (not that I would anyway!) and the other a board game. We must be doing something right because they are always thrilled with what we get them, and often have to be encouraged to finish opening their gifts because they want to play with the first.
So forgive me if I sound ungrateful, I’m not. I would much rather these family members put that money in their own retirement account and just come for a visit. It makes me sick when one of my kids comments about so and so coming to visit and “oh we’ll get presents!” Believe me, I’ve done what I can to nip that in the bud but it’s only natural for kids when every single time they see this person, they have a car full of presents.
I am probably not a good one to talk about this because I’m made physically anxious by “stuff.” I have absolutely no problem with the kids having things they love to play with. My older son has quite a few bigger, Duplo size blocks and we bought him a Minecraft lego set (aff link), a Minecraft “torch” and some Minecraft action figures for Christmas. My younger son will receive a few Thomas train items, including a Thomas Megablock set. My daughter is getting the Ashton Drake doll she was begging for as well as a One Direction CD and new things for her room (bedding, bean bag chair, rug etc.) This “stuff” doesn’t bother me at all because it’s all wanted, will be played with and taken care of. Despite the harassment about “what can we get them” a family member bought nearly identical items (different “varieties” of the blocks) but bought more than we did. I feel like one set of blocks would be enjoyed. 3 sets? They’ll be a mess. Maybe I wan’t cut out for motherhood. Maybe I just need to drink wine from Halloween until the new year. 😉
Does anyone else have Grandparents, Great-Grandparents and even Great-Aunts all wanting to buy multiple gifts for your children? Am I totally alone here? I want my kids to remember spending time with their family, not looking forward to visits because they expected gifts.
How do you handle this push for materialism by others? How do you get people to understand your kids don’t need or want more stuff, without sounding rude or ungrateful? How to get them to understand that the kids need their presence more than their presents?
Maria wants to live in a world where cloth diapers are the norm and moms can make parenting choices without judgement. When she’s not chasing her 18, 14 and 11-year old kids around, you might find her checking out the latest gadgets, organizing something (again) or exercising in the fresh air. 
Thank you for venting! I am sitting here agreeing with so much you’re saying. I’d like to thank you for helping me recognize the family members who are doing what we ask and who I should band with in the future! However, when we tried to tell both sets of grandparents about our decision to minimize Christmas by giving 3 gifts, just like Jesus received from the wisemen, they flat out told us no. They want to spoil their grandchild (age 3.5), which I’ve tried to tell them they can do best by spending time with him. Ahh. I totally feel like the bad guy dictating Christmas for everyone, but I also feel that now that I have my only family I am allowed to start my own traditions. And yes, that includes a reduction of all toys. My father has gone so far to agree to less Christmas gifts, but just buy my son something every time he sees him. Seriously? He babysits for us once a week!
There are a lot of issues where I bite my tongue to be respectful but I want to say look, you got to raise your children how you wanted. I’m the mother, this is my family and these are my children. It’s my turn to raise MY children.
I understand completely. I no longer feel I need to be grateful for piles of junk that lessen our quality of life and directly insult some of our family’s (clearly stated) core principles – particularly environmental responsibility and humanitarian responsibility. I’m fed up with plastic crap made in toxic sweatshops, no matter how “adorable” it is. They want you to feel ungrateful because that draws attention from the fact that these gifts are really about them and hardly about the kids at all.
You took the words right out of my mouth! We have this problem and my kids are only 3 and 1, but they were the first grandkids. Thankfully, 3 more were born on my side ofthe family this year so maybe the wealth will be spread. But we’re expected to buy gifts for my nieces and nephew (husband’s family) who we see every other year due to them always living on the opposite side of the country. Their parents have over double our income also, so it’s like the opposite problem. I’m afraid they’ll be disappointed that we only give them one small thing when they receive so much from everyone else. The worst part is having to ship presents I didn’t want to buy and could barely afford in the first place. We just don’t buy presents for our kids since everyone wants to be so generous. My grandparents always gave me new sheet music and sometimes it was duets that I could play with my cousin. Those were my favorite!
You and I have very similar ideas about Santa and Christmas! I’m a newbie parent, so I’m hardly the most qualified advice-giver. However, besides your great ideas and the ideas others have posted, I think in this situation the best choice for your sanity might be to “let it go.” And I am NOT trying to sound condescending because I completely agree with you! But in the end, you can only control your actions. So why stress about the crazy things others want to do? I think your kids’ behavior during your family Christmas shows that they are learning much more from YOUR example than the materialism of others (besides not saying no to presents, but no kid would do that!) You can continue to teach through your actions and your discussions about what Christmas really means in your family. If at some point the kids start to question why you seem to act differently than Grandma in relation to presents, maybe this is another chance to discuss how different people have different beliefs about Christmas and just “stuff” in general.
This in no way solves your problem of too much stuff. But it sounds like you and your kids are already doing a better job than most families with clearing out and donating. And this doesn’t solve the problem of meaningless mounds of gifts instead of meaningful memories. Sadly, there may be nothing you can do because you can’t change someone’s mindset. You’ve tried to get your point across politely in the past, and your family just isn’t going for it. Just remember that no matter what, your family is NOT negating the lessons you are teaching your children. You are still your kids’ major influencing figure, and a boatload of presents won’t change that. I say control what you can control, and drink some wine and shake your head about the rest. 🙂 But don’t let the actions of others make you unhappy. You can be so proud of what you’ve taught your kids so far and what you’ll continue to teach them!!
Thanks Colleen for the kind words & good advice! If I could change one thing about myself, it would be to have the ability to “let it go!” I have definitely relaxed a lot as I get older but this stuff actually makes my stomach do a flip flop. I try and try and try, I really do!
Yikes! What happens if this relative has financial troubles and can no longer afford to bring a gift every visit? Then there’s the awkwardness (for everyone) of the child asking about it.
That is very true.
Oh my! I feel like I could have written this post. We are currently dealing with this issue with my own parents who constantly get my kids presents as in every single visit which happens once a month due to how close we live. I don’t understand it.my mom has made the comment that all grandparents do that…cause they are the grandparents. We recently turned down bringing home a item that was given to them. It was only presented as a surprise which bugs me in itself but we have no way to hang it. I feel like the whole thing could have been avoided if they would have just asked if it was something we could use. Anyway I’ll end my rant and say you are not alone. We to strive to not inundate our kids with junk. They get for gifts… need which they are sharing this year…want wear and read.
I find that very odd as well! Perhaps because I wasn’t close with my own Grandparents? My husband was close with his and they didn’t do that. Sure, maybe they got a bit of extra ice cream or were allowed to eat dessert even though they didn’t eat their peas but they didn’t have this spoiling mindset. They spent time with them. Went hunting, made soup etc. The biggest “spoiling” I can think of is DH’s Nana taking them to McCrory’s on occasion and letting them get these chocolate button candies! But to have some sort of “surprise” or present EVERY time is crazy and a really bad idea in my opinion.
Right. I was close to my grandparents and they didn’t do that sort of stuff with us either. Neither did my husband’s grandparents and they were much more better off financially than my grandparents were and further more. My parents really have no competition in the grandparent department. My husband’s parents love my kids just as much as they do and my kids know that without getting spoiled by them and we only see them once or twice a year.
Okay, having read this, it’s awesome that you have so many people to do things. Maybe tell them that the kids would appreciate ONE item that means something (a play ticket, a set of tickets to movies- hell they could go to the movies every other weekend with a grandparent!) and then put the rest in a college or car fund?
other ideas: birthday party kits (all the stuff you’d need to throw a party for friends including a pizza gift cert, certificates to dairy queen for quarts of ice cream, a grocery store, etc). the next size of spring COAT, the next size of hoodie, jeans, etc. something to throw a winter break slumber party spa for girl, or lego movie event for boys. with popcorn, movie theater box of candy, obv. gendered examples because my girls would also like lego movie. but something grandparents could understand.
You could always return things if necessary. Of course the kids want them, etc. so that causes problems. Everyone opens stuff without asking us first. We had to donate a few toys because the third kid got an exact duplicate of a baby toy that we’d gotten for the first one that was still in perfect shape (no one needs two see and says). So one went in a donate box. We always gave clothes to our nieces and nephews and then switched to cash at older ages. At Christmas they ask for a few specific things and that’s fine. We choose from that.
I don’t see the point of 15 packages, I really don’t.
We’ve finally been able to get people to stop buying clothing. My kids are hard to fit because they’re slender and my older two have sensory issues. My son won’t wear anything with an applique and is very particular about clothing in general. I joke that his wardrobe is like Smurfette’s. Multiple of the same. We had many things that had to go directly in the donation pile because they wouldn’t fit (I find it tacky to ask for the receipt if a gift receipt wasn’t given – I’ve had that done to me and it was very awkward)! We also had issues where a great-grandparent was buying wal-mart brand clothing (nothing against it but we’ve had bad luck with it) and it would fall apart, shrink, fade, stain etc etc. and then I had to deal with a fit because it had to be pitched.
commenting without reading first:
Everyone’s now buying electronic toys for baby (happy 1st today!) when the last thing we need is more noise. She really needs clothes that don’t have ribbon, thread, bows, etc. at the neckline, everything sisters wore makes her itch. nope. toys. they’re nice. and appreciated (especially since they only got one apiece) but the clothes would have been handy, too.
We ask every year for people to gift their time. Some people listen, others don’t. I do this with my niece and nephew as well. And I always wrap the certificate in a fun way so they have something to open. This year we are taking them roller skating. So I am printing a big skate to wrap up in a Christmas pillowcase. They love having themed pillowcases 🙂 I think it means so much more to them they more stuff