If you were hoping for tips on how to mop with a toddler in the house, ha ha, nope! No, this is your resident toddler here to provide a much-needed service to other toddlers. How to behave when your mom (or Dad, or Aunt, or Grandma or whoever – I don’t discriminate) is mopping the floor.
1. If she is crawling around on the floor with a scrubby thing you should definitely climb on her back and ride her like a horse.
2. This is imperative. You must remain no more than 15 inches from the mopper at all times, unless you are completing one of the bonus tasks.
3. It is very important to only walk on the areas she just mopped. I don’t care if you live in a 10,000 square foot castle. Those other 9,994 square feet are lava.
4. Exception to above: when you absolutely must get to the other side of the mopped area, refuse not only to walk on the wet part, but deny that there are any other paths or methods of getting there.
5. If she says “don’t run,” move those little legs as fast as you can! Only on the wet parts. When you fall, wail to express the complete and utter betrayal you feel.
6. Make sure you have at least 2-3 toys or other objects in your hands at all times. This is to place in the mopping path. If all else fails, you can use your body. Bear in mind that if the mop touches you, you will likely immediately die, so react accordingly.
7. As soon as she puts the mop away, you should show your appreciation by dumping a cup of orange juice on the floor and attempting to swim in it. After all she loves to clean!
8. If she brings out the baby carrier, fight it. You cannot go down that way. Likewise, if you think you hear a mop while your eyes are closed, that’s your cue to open them and immediately get to work.
You get bonus points for:
- Dropping an electronic in the bucket (food in the clean mop water will work in a pinch)
- Expressing your artistic side on the wall (with permanent marker) while her back is turned
If she cries, that means you did a good job! Now be sure to pass this along to other kids who need these tips.
Maria wants to live in a world where cloth diapers are the norm and moms can make parenting choices without judgement. When she’s not chasing her 18, 14 and 11-year old kids around, you might find her checking out the latest gadgets, organizing something (again) or exercising in the fresh air. 
I read this to my parents on our way to a funeral. They were both in hysterics, tears coursing down their cheeks. Thanks for the much needed laugh!
Did my two toddlers help your toddler write this Maria? I swear the spilling OJ and running on the wet parts til they fall are the worse.
I think all toddlers/young preschoolers have secret meetings about this stuff, LOL.