Breastfeeding Humor Personal Posts

An Open Letter to my 1-Year Old Nursling

Note: This post speaks humorously about the fun things involved with “full-term”/”extended”/toddler breastfeeding. If this offends you, back away now.

I nursed my first two children until approximately age 2. I think it’s time I laid out some ground rules for my 1-year old when “dining at Mom’s.”

  • When dining at Mom’s, kindly wait to be “seated.” This is not a serve yourself buffet; particularly-please do not stick your hand in the “dish” and attempt to help yourself.
  • Please consume one course at a time and keep your hands off the second course. It is not a radio dial.
  • While I marvel at your creative dining positions, please refrain from kicking the waitress in the face.
  • If you “walk” away from your meal, don’t be surprised when it’s been covered for safekeeping when you return.
  • Please do not chomp your beverage vessel. Teeth are cool and all, but…just, no. (Don’t bite your friends.)
  • If you would like something to do while enjoying your meal, please choose an activity that doesn’t involve trying to yank your waitress’s lips off.
  • When you come in at 2 AM for a snack, don’t be surprised if the waitress wants you to eat & get out. This ain’t Chuck e Cheese.
  • Belching is OK, even encouraged. Your waitress will take it as a compliment after a good meal. Other gas passing may make your server giggle.
  • Most importantly, tip your server. Accepted payment methods include hugs, kisses and cuddles.

This is of course meant to be tongue-in-cheek. Nursing a toddler is an adventure, but I support breastfeeding as long as mom and baby want to. I can’t help but chuckle when someone implies that mothers continue to nurse their toddlers for “selfish reasons.” (wiping a tear of laughter from my eye.)

Have you nursed a toddler?

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Maria is an aspiring "fit mom" of 3 children, writing about cloth diapers, going green, and her life as a single mom. Maria works with many companies within the cloth diaper industry and beyond, providing social media management, product development, and other services.
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  • December 14, 2012 at 11:08 am

    *smothering my giggles at work* this cracked me up 🙂 My first nursed only until 14mos and my second is just 7mos old, but she’s definitely already at the pulling on lips/pinching my chin & cheek/pulling my hair/stretching and smiling while still latched on stage, I am so, SO there. she also feels the need to pretend she’s in her jumperoo and constantly tried to “jump” off the arm of the chair while latched on… um, no thanks??

    thanks for the laugh, and the reminder that breastfeeding can be funny even while it can be frustrating – and is TOTALLY worth it 😉

  • Amy S
    December 14, 2012 at 6:43 am

    This is very familiar to me. My 21 month old has done those things at some point or another. He pulls at my hair daily to the point where I am considering shaving my head. I don’t think it would look good with my big head though. We are working towards nursing only twice a day, so this phase won’t last forever. I will look back on our time together fondly when it is over that is for sure.

  • Victoria
    December 13, 2012 at 8:05 pm

    I hope you copyrighted this! Talk about wiping tears from your eyes — this was hysterical! You have quite the knack for writing. Even my roommate thinks so.

  • Jessica
    December 13, 2012 at 3:41 pm

    Wow. This is my life 🙂 Especially the pulling off your servers lips!! haha My 11 mo pulls on my face, my lips, my nose, puts her fingers up my nose, explores my teeth and gums: SO annoying! And she gets mad if I dodge or pull her hand away 😛 Thanks for posting…good to know I’m not alone!

    • December 13, 2012 at 8:30 pm

      Ooh mine gets so mad at me if I don’t let him do whatever he’s doing. “I’m slapping you now and you’re gonna like it darn it!” 😉

  • Jessica O
    December 13, 2012 at 12:53 pm

    This made me laugh! Glad I am not the only one that goes thru this!

  • Laura
    December 13, 2012 at 12:47 pm

    LOL. I keep trying to convince mine that repeatedly slapping your waitress in the face while eating is just bad manners.

    • Victoria
      December 13, 2012 at 8:06 pm

      So funny!

  • arielle
    December 13, 2012 at 11:16 am


  • December 13, 2012 at 11:10 am

    Hahaha so much of this sounds very familiar. Especially the “if you walk away…”part lol. My 14 month old HATES when I do that. But I did read one theory that e twiddling the opposite side makes the key down faster, so it actually might be like a radio dial 🙂

  • Raquel B.
    December 13, 2012 at 10:46 am

    Oh my. I can totally relate. My 18 month old still doesn’t “get” that I don’t like her foot pressing against my wind pipe, or that she can’t nurse and be trying to get her head as far away from me as possible at the same time, I may be stretchy, but I have limits. Or the stealthy “I just want to snuggle mom” but then up goes the shirt, and she lays her head up on my chest for a couple seconds before trying to pull her food source out of their hiding place, with a series of little pinches and tickles and strange noises. And I’m doing this for selfish reasons? No. Not so much.

    • Michelle
      December 13, 2012 at 11:48 am

      My 18 months old does the stretchy nipple thing too! It makes me crazy.

      • Victoria
        December 13, 2012 at 8:08 pm

        It’s been a long time since I breastfed my children, but I remember well the stretchy nipple thing and the twisting and pinching.

  • amii fritz
    December 13, 2012 at 10:33 am

    Toddler nursing is “glorious”. lol. Although today mine said there was “ice cream, chocolate, strawberries, chicken nuggests, and ketchup” in-there. It cracked me up.

    • December 13, 2012 at 10:35 am

      Nice! Hee.

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