My daughter turns 8 today. I have wanted to open up about her birth for a while, and thought today would be a good day. As I sat and tried to write it, I realized that I’m not ready. I am a different person than I was then, particularly with birth, and her birth was a part of that.
It was a huge part of my journey to homebirth actually.
8 years later, I’m still just not ready to relive her birth. It has taken me this long to blame myself a little bit less, and for the feelings of failure to fade slightly, but it still stings. A lot.
So Happy Birthday to my big girl; hopefully her birth will help me save her from the same fate when she has her own children. Maybe soon I will be ready to share.
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Maria wants to live in a world where cloth diapers are the norm and moms can make parenting choices without judgement. When she’s not chasing her 18, 14 and 11-year old kids around, you might find her checking out the latest gadgets, organizing something (again) or exercising in the fresh air. 
Happy birthday to your daughter!! I hope the sting lessens further.