I Had Parenting All Figured Out – Bless My Little Heart

Sometimes I want to go back in time and pat first time mom me on the head and say “bless your heart.” Before I actually had kids, I knew it all (ha).

I’ve heard first time moms-to-be say things like:

“Oh no, we’ll just…”

or

“That won’t happen because…”

or (the best)

“My child will NEVER…”

When I hear things like this, I bite my tongue and smile because I’m practicing to be a good Grandma/mother-in-law! Maybe for some, it’s as easy as “I’ll just pump & leave the baby – we’ll still be able to go on dates!” Or maybe you won’t let down for the pump, or it takes you 1/2 hour to get an ounce, or you spill it and spend the evening crying. Say you pump like a champ…then baby says nuh-uh, from the tap only thankyouverymuch. After trying a dozen bottles and nipples you give up. The first time you actually get out of the house, the restaurant seats you behind a family with 3 kids, one of whom pokes you with a fork randomly, and you miss your baby.

For me, it all started when I told myself I wasn’t going to gain a ton of weight during pregnancy. My body had other plans.

“I’ll get dressed every day. I’ll shower every day. I won’t wear yoga pants on which my kid wiped his nose. I won’t fall behind on laundry. Pssht.” Oh boy. “I’ll never have to call poison control because I’ll watch my kids. They’ll never color on the walls because they won’t have access to markers unless I’m supervising.” Oh the best laid plans. The best laid plans…

I know my experience isn’t unique. Just when you think you’ve gotten this parenting this all figured out, another baby (or stage) comes to wipe that smug smile right off your face.

“I remember thinking that my child wouldn’t ever be the one screaming in a store. I thought, I’ll just take them outside of the store if they throw a tantrum until it stops so they learn to behave. Ummmmm, no. Now I’m like, Mommy just needs to finish shopping! Why are you crying?? Please let me shop! Here take the Ipad…where are the lollipops????!!! Detour to the cookie aisle!!” –Jeanette

My first child was a very “high needs” baby. I didn’t get a full night’s sleep until she was two. I thought “I know what to expect with baby #2, I can do this! ”

“I always thought if I read all the sleeping books, and bought all the products that swore would get your kid to sleep, my kid would have no issues sleeping!” -Anel

Then he arrived complete with inconsolable screaming from 11 PM to 2 AM. There were days I just buried my face in the kitchen table and cried. (I co-slept with baby #3, so maybe I did learn something!)

“I said my kids would never be in my bed. First kid was in my bed until 1. Second is 4 months and never even attempting not being in my bed.” -Kylie

Breastfeeding was a breeze with #2 and a nurse told me when only one of us was a first timer, it was likely to be easier. Tiny baby #3 came along and I relived the white knuckled pain of early breastfeeding all over again. I had to learn to latch a teeny baby again (baby #2 was much larger at birth and I guess just a better latcher from the get-go!)

Baby #1 potty trained by age 2 1/2 with minimal effort, was dressing herself and writing her name by age 3 and reading at age 4. Totally my awesome parenting, right? Hahahahahahaha!!

“No bottles, no juice, no walker, no candy, no tv. I think it was when she was 10 months old I realized she’d survive after sitting in a bouncer while I got stuff done.” -Natalia

Baby #2 didn’t experience the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad 2’s, 3’s and 4’s that my first did, again, “because I wasn’t a first time mom and had this figured out.” *snort* Bless your heart Maria, here’s baby #3 for you, good luck with that!

Just when I think I’ve got the whole little kid stuff down pat, I suddenly have a tween and I’m dealing with hormones and drama, while I’m still figuring out the 4 year old. My two boys are so different I don’t even have the benefit of having “raised a boy before”!

There are parents out there that won’t identify with this because their child met all of their expectations. For their sake, I hope it continues and they don’t eat crow later.

Jutta sums it up perfectly. “I had this image in my head of exactly the kind of mom that I wanted to be. I found that having kids didn’t just magically change me into a different person (the person I imagined), I am the same person just trying to be a mom. Ha! It’s just not how I imagined this going and that’s not a bad thing, it’s just sometimes so foreign and I’m 5 years into it.”

Have you had any “bless your heart” moments with motherhood? Are you the mom you imagined yourself being? Have any of your “rules” or expectations changed?

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